Grandma

Now that I've been home for a solid day, I'm beginning to feel a little bit of a loss. As most of you probably know, my grandma passed away at about 1:30pm last Friday. And it came with only a little warning. The Tuesday of that week, when I went home to see the elementary concert, my mom told me that my Grandma wasn't doing to well, but I didn't think anything of it. She has been steadily in and out of the hospital for minor things that were never life threatening at all, but I guess this was going to be the last visit.



My phone woke me up at 8am Friday morning. It was my mom telling me that I should probably get home over the weekend because it didn't look there was going to be that much time for her. I was completely taken by surprise that this was even happening, i didn't know how to react: it was the last weekend before finals, and I still had work to do, I couldn't think of a feasable time in which to go home unless it was saturday. I should have left there and then because a few hours later I got the phone call from my dad telling me that she had died. I just wanted to talk to my mom, it was her mom and her last surviving parent. When she got on the phone the both of us just broke down. I was in Andy's room with him and Martine, and they really helped me release. Thank you. I could not believe that this actually happened, and on all days but FordFest. I felt strange that entire day, and didn't really try to show it. It felt so odd to be partaking in anything that wasn't grief. Gladly, it did get my mind of of things.



The next day I drove home in silence (no radio), which is the way I liked it. I cryed for about 5 minutes total throughout the trip, not really enough to get anything out of it. When I got home my family was in a good mood, my aunt and uncle, and cousins were there at the house as well. My mom, her brother, my dad, and I went to the funeral parlor to make arrangements for the service. She has since been cremated and awaiting to be mixed in with my grandpa George's ashes. This just seems so right and perfect and loving and great to me. : )



My mom told me that my grandma kept reiturring that fact that she "just wanted to go be with George." This has been the most comforting thought in getting us all through this. Even I, who has no religious affiliation, believes that they are together again; it may not be heaven or anything, but they are somehow one unit. That's just how it's working in my head. I lived at my grandparent's house when I was young just as much as I did my own house. I just latched on to them like glue, especially my grandma. She was the most generous person I have ever met, yet she didn't have that much to give. She was arguably the best grandma anybody could ever have. She spoiled the crap out of me, there was very little she wouldn't do for me. I remember one time when I was acting up in the shopping cart when I was little, she literally tapped my butt. I felt so betrayed by her, she would never do anything like this to me. I started balling, then my grandma felt so terrible she took me to the toys to calm me down. She was such a push over when i was little, i loved her so much : ) It's such a grandma thing.



Of course as i got older, this wouldn't have really worked. But she was still my biggest advocate. She always made sure i was financially stable whenever i visited her, she thought nothing of it, and I appreciated it so much. She thought the world of my brother and i. She could never be more proud of me after I did the school musical my senior year, my graduation, and all of my drum corps shows in the summer. Having her as a grandmother has truly defined a lot of my life, just as losing her is starting to do now.



My grandma was born and raised in Canadaigua and lived there her entire life. Her, and her little sister, Rebecca, lost their father when my grandma was only 8, so she was basically raised by a single mother. She graduated from Canandaigua Academy in 1956. I guess she would skip class a lot to go smoke in her friend's barn, and look at babies: she never really smoked after she was caught once: Which i find hilarious. I love to think of older people when they were younger, it puts things in perspective for me. Life happens to everybody.

From here, she met my grandpa, married, had my uncle then my mom. My parents did band and colorguard, and she was very active and involved in that with them, so when I did it, she loved it even more. As I knew her, she and my grandpa joined an antique car club which made growing up a lot of fun. We would go on trips with really pretty cars and the old people were a blast. i'll never forget those memories. My grandma surived 3 different types of breast cancer, melanoma, and diabetes, and congestive heart failure throughout her senior years, and she has died twice. She has had constant heath problems, but never really succumbed to any of them. It seemed as if she would always be here. Her and my aunt were like Lucy and Ethel, always getting into stupid embarrasing situations, like running into clothes racks and people with her scooter. I Love Lucy was such a huge thing we always watched when I was at my grandma's. It reminds me of those days whenever I watch it. That, and Scooby Doo!



The final battle came down to kidney failure, and fluid around the heart. Of course, any treatment would make the opposite worse, so there was just no fixing any of this. Her last hours consisted of just being comfortable. She wasn't wearing the oxygen mask, which was making her miserable. I'm so glad it was peaceful. But so angry I wasn't there, and so angry that I haven't been able to let it really sink in. I guess when you've known somebody for your entire life, you never really feel a complete loss when they leave you. They must stay with you. The hard part is knowing that you will never see that person ever again.



All in all, my grandma's passing has more comfort and discomfort associated with it than anything else I've confronted. When my grandpa died, he left my grandma alone in a very big house. it would have been impossible for her to take care of it, so she moved into a senior citizen apartment building. It was easy to see that she was lonely, she lost the love of her life, the father of her children. I really cried for her more than anything, I loved them so much, and they really loved each other. So now its hard to believe that that duo is no longer on earth in any of its parts, but comforting to think that their love can survive death. I sure hope that this is the case, for their sake, for the world's sake, for my sake.



Every Christmas Eve since my grandpa passed away, my grandma has stayed with us because she shouldn't have been alone on Christmas day. My grandpa was always on her mind. She swore that he would leave her dimes and pennies around the apartment, just to let her know that he was there. i always wanted to believe that this was true. Well, this Christmas will feel so empty, yet there are several things and people in my life that keep me going and thinking of life positively. But I'm still human, nothing can prepare you for a death of a close family member. I feel I have the right to feel despair and grief if I need to, as long as i can come out of it (which i will). The funeral will be next saturday in the evening, postponed from Friday the 19th. It's going to be rough.