New Start

It really doesn't seem like we've been gone for almost a month, but it does seem like I haven't touched my instrument in a month.  I'll see how that turns out.  

I generally search for symbols in my life, trying to mesh everything around me with what I'm feeling at that moment.  Naturally, the beginning of a new year, semester, and president have become a symbol of my own life.  I know that if I could cut my life into periods, I would have one giant 19 1/2 year one and one that seemed to have started this weekend.  While my life isn't completely veering in another direction, it is getting there in a way that I never saw coming, and I couldn't be happier about it.  Within the past couple of months I can honestly say that I have had the happiest moments of my life.  I can finally be comfortable with what I do for a living, who I choose to live it with, how I'm going to achieve my life goals, and what I have to do to make sure I get there.

I'm setting the bar high for myself this semester.  I have my sights on a 4.0 and I won't be content lowering it to fulfill my present wants to be lazy or not do my best.  I pay too much money to go here, so I shouldn't be wasting the opportunity to perform with quality and turn in quality work.  Do I honestly think I'm going to get a 4.0?  No.  But if I only think of setting the bar for 3.7-3.8, I won't even get close.  I need to strive to be as close to perfect as possible.  My cumulative average right now is about a 3.0.  Not even close to an accurate representation of my work ethic or my drive to do well.  Freshman year was garbage.  I couldn't wait for that year to be over, wanting to go home almost every weekend, and certainly not wanting practice or do my work.  Sadly, I can't redo it or start over even though I wish I could for every reason I can think of.  The most I can do now is strive to be perfect.  I think the highest average I can graduate with is a 3.6 now, but I don't know the exact method of calculating it.  I'm not even happy about that.  I suppose the goal would be to show significant improvement throughout my last 5 semesters.  Hopefully I can find a way to do it.  I feel good about it now.  I have the motivation to do it now.

Siddhartha

Here are all of my favorite quotes from Siddhartha thus far:

1."...but was there value in knowing everything if one did not know the one and only thing, the single most important thing, the only thing that matters?" - p7

2."Your soul is the entire world." - p7

3."And so I am starting to believe: this knowledge has no worse enemy than the desire to know, than learning." - p17

4."It is not my place to judge the life of another! Only for myself, for myself alone must I judge, must I choose, must I decline." - p30

5."Now he was only Siddhartha, the one who had awakened, nothing more. Deeply he drew in his breath and for a moment he froze and stood shuddering. No one was as alone as he." - p36

6."The world was beautiful when regarded like this, without searching, so simply, in such a childlike way. Moon and stars were beautiful, beautiful were bank and stream, forest and rocks, goat and gold-bug, flower and butterfly. So lovely, so delightful to go through the world this way, so like a child, awake, open to what is near, without distrust." - p39

7."...he had not been present. Now he was present, he belonged there. Through his eyes coursed light and shadow, through his heart stars and moon." - p40

8."All are obsequious, all would like to be friends, to obey, to think as little as possible. People are children." - p42

9."Most people...are like falling leaves, which blow and turn in the air, and stagger and tumble to the ground. But others, fewer, are like stars, they travel in a fixed orbit, no wind reaches them, in themselves they have their law and their course." - p59

10."I am like you. You do not love either--how could you practice love as an art otherwise? People of our kind may not be able to love. Child people can love; that is their secret." - p60

11."...he recognized himself in his misery and in his error." - p70

12."Where else may my path still lead me? Ridiculous is this path, it loops around, it may even go in circles. May it go where it will, wherever it goes I will follow." - p76

I don't want to get too reflective just yet, but i must point out that I am a fan of quotes 1, 9, and 12.

Patience

So, the last couple of days have been awesome to say the least. Saturday I went to Verizon and put texting on my phone and that I have been waiting for that forever!!!! Sunday I got to go to Lauren's house from 2:30 to 11:00. We played Scrabble and ate food, overall, really chill and relazing. I also got to video chat with Andy, Lauren, and our friend Theresa. This is something I haven't been able to use since school, and I never have a need for it when I'm at school.

But todayyyyyyyyyy, I called Res Life and basically bitched them out for never giving a solid answer to whether I can move out of my room or not. I guess this worked because they called me back just before I was ready to bitch them out again for not getting back to me within an hour, and they told me that I could move into Mike Unis's vacant single on the 15th!!!!

For three days I have been in such an incredibly good mood, it's almost irritating. It just went to show me that I needed to be patient and not rush to conclusions. I'll get the things I want if I work for them or just wait!

Being home again/Reading List

The best way to describe my emotion about being home is "meh." Not necessarily bad, but certainly not exciting. I just realized that I only have 10 more nights of sleep in my bed at home, not really too long. I just want to be back in my bed at school in the worst way, yet that also means school starts again, boo. Whatever. I actually think that this semester will be great for me, I really turned around last block, if only it was that way first block. My grades could be so much better than they are, and they always could have been, even in high school. It really helps being around people that actually have a good work ethic, something I couldn't seem to find in high school. I got by pretty well somehow, being in the top 10% of the class. One of only six males to sit in the top row at graduation. I very often try and break things into subgroups just to make my accomplishments seem better in my own head, I guess I'm vain like that! I still wasn't proud of what I did because it wasn't even close to my best. I really hope to turn this around next semester. I'm especially excited for junior year, where I can finally be in a teaching element, something I feel I do very well and am actually proud of. I don't know, we'll see.

I finished "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" in only 2 sessions: the last hour on the train, and this morning. I'm pretty glad I did it this way because I'm pretty sure Charlie would have read it this way as well. Throughout the past several years I've realized how much of a role books have played in my life and how I view things. I think the most important have been every John Steinbeck novel I read in school: Of Mice and Men, Cannery Row, The Grapes of Wrath, The Pearl, East of Eden being my favorite. I really want to finish reading all of his works. He is such a great author, and always thought-provoking. My recent favorite was unexpected, "The Testament of Gideon Mack" by James Robertson. The author completely highlighted everything I ever believed and wove it into some of the most beautifully written prose I ever read. It seemed like poetry the entire time. "Perks" is the only other book that has done this to me, in two ways. I love dog-earring pages to mark significant moments or realizations I had while reading. This could either be the author pointing out something obvious, but putting it in a poetic and meaningful way. I also do it when I read a new idea or realize I have been wrong about something. It was cool to find that as I was dog-earring pages that Andy had already dog-earred, so obviously he got the same kind of response out of the passage. I think reading is so important because you can't really become an intellectual person if you don't taste the views the authors. If someone can write a 300 page novel, chances are they are intelligent, plus had a motivation to write about something profound. They obviously have great minds.

I think "Perks" had the most impact on me by pointing out how any moment can stay with you as long as you live. When Charlie has the moment of feeling infinite, I realized I have had a lot of these kinds of moments within the past few months and this last week especially----time slows down just for you, and your mind simplifies all your thoughts and emotions into one singlular feeling. And it's such a great feeling too.

Now I've just started reading "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac. I only into the first two chapters, and I feel like I need to re-read it already. For some reason, I couldn't keep my mind even halfway focused on what I was reading. I hate that, when I'm just looking at words as opposed to reading. I hope it's not just the book. My goal is to have it finished by the time I get back to school. Then it's yours Andy! I think I might pair it up with "Siddhartha" so I can actually finish it. I don't think I'll ever find the time to really finish a book when school starts up again. I also have "The Soloist," a book my brother bought me for Christmas. I can't remember the author, but it's about music in some fashion. I'll most likely enjoy it--kudos Kyle. It sure is nice to have a reading list again. Hopefully it will grow throughout the semester.

By the way, I've lost around 25lbs since I started the semester! I haven't really cut food out of my life or started exercising either. I guess I can attribute it to the fact that I watch what I eat and when I eat it. I never drink soda with meals, and I keep things as low fat and low sugar as possible. I also have tried keeping everything as natural as possible, the less ingredients on the label the better. I always count calories too. I compare foods to see which is healthier and always pick the healthier choice. There is something bizarre my body does though...I lose wieght like nothing, like a man usually does, but I gain weight like a women, not getting way with the slightest splurge of McDonald's or anything. A good this though is that I don't evenhave an appetite as much anymore. It's not like I had a weight problem, but I'm glad that I'm looking better, and as a result feeling better all around. For example: Today I was completely satisfied with tea, mac and cheese for dinner, two vanilla chai teas (mmmmmmmmmmmm) and a piece of angel food cake. I'm actually quite stuffed to be honest. I don't feel sick either, just in case any of you were worrying.

Anyhooooo, I hope this blog entry finds you in good spirits, and if not, cheer up you piece of shit!