New Start

It really doesn't seem like we've been gone for almost a month, but it does seem like I haven't touched my instrument in a month.  I'll see how that turns out.  

I generally search for symbols in my life, trying to mesh everything around me with what I'm feeling at that moment.  Naturally, the beginning of a new year, semester, and president have become a symbol of my own life.  I know that if I could cut my life into periods, I would have one giant 19 1/2 year one and one that seemed to have started this weekend.  While my life isn't completely veering in another direction, it is getting there in a way that I never saw coming, and I couldn't be happier about it.  Within the past couple of months I can honestly say that I have had the happiest moments of my life.  I can finally be comfortable with what I do for a living, who I choose to live it with, how I'm going to achieve my life goals, and what I have to do to make sure I get there.

I'm setting the bar high for myself this semester.  I have my sights on a 4.0 and I won't be content lowering it to fulfill my present wants to be lazy or not do my best.  I pay too much money to go here, so I shouldn't be wasting the opportunity to perform with quality and turn in quality work.  Do I honestly think I'm going to get a 4.0?  No.  But if I only think of setting the bar for 3.7-3.8, I won't even get close.  I need to strive to be as close to perfect as possible.  My cumulative average right now is about a 3.0.  Not even close to an accurate representation of my work ethic or my drive to do well.  Freshman year was garbage.  I couldn't wait for that year to be over, wanting to go home almost every weekend, and certainly not wanting practice or do my work.  Sadly, I can't redo it or start over even though I wish I could for every reason I can think of.  The most I can do now is strive to be perfect.  I think the highest average I can graduate with is a 3.6 now, but I don't know the exact method of calculating it.  I'm not even happy about that.  I suppose the goal would be to show significant improvement throughout my last 5 semesters.  Hopefully I can find a way to do it.  I feel good about it now.  I have the motivation to do it now.

Siddhartha

Here are all of my favorite quotes from Siddhartha thus far:

1."...but was there value in knowing everything if one did not know the one and only thing, the single most important thing, the only thing that matters?" - p7

2."Your soul is the entire world." - p7

3."And so I am starting to believe: this knowledge has no worse enemy than the desire to know, than learning." - p17

4."It is not my place to judge the life of another! Only for myself, for myself alone must I judge, must I choose, must I decline." - p30

5."Now he was only Siddhartha, the one who had awakened, nothing more. Deeply he drew in his breath and for a moment he froze and stood shuddering. No one was as alone as he." - p36

6."The world was beautiful when regarded like this, without searching, so simply, in such a childlike way. Moon and stars were beautiful, beautiful were bank and stream, forest and rocks, goat and gold-bug, flower and butterfly. So lovely, so delightful to go through the world this way, so like a child, awake, open to what is near, without distrust." - p39

7."...he had not been present. Now he was present, he belonged there. Through his eyes coursed light and shadow, through his heart stars and moon." - p40

8."All are obsequious, all would like to be friends, to obey, to think as little as possible. People are children." - p42

9."Most people...are like falling leaves, which blow and turn in the air, and stagger and tumble to the ground. But others, fewer, are like stars, they travel in a fixed orbit, no wind reaches them, in themselves they have their law and their course." - p59

10."I am like you. You do not love either--how could you practice love as an art otherwise? People of our kind may not be able to love. Child people can love; that is their secret." - p60

11."...he recognized himself in his misery and in his error." - p70

12."Where else may my path still lead me? Ridiculous is this path, it loops around, it may even go in circles. May it go where it will, wherever it goes I will follow." - p76

I don't want to get too reflective just yet, but i must point out that I am a fan of quotes 1, 9, and 12.

Patience

So, the last couple of days have been awesome to say the least. Saturday I went to Verizon and put texting on my phone and that I have been waiting for that forever!!!! Sunday I got to go to Lauren's house from 2:30 to 11:00. We played Scrabble and ate food, overall, really chill and relazing. I also got to video chat with Andy, Lauren, and our friend Theresa. This is something I haven't been able to use since school, and I never have a need for it when I'm at school.

But todayyyyyyyyyy, I called Res Life and basically bitched them out for never giving a solid answer to whether I can move out of my room or not. I guess this worked because they called me back just before I was ready to bitch them out again for not getting back to me within an hour, and they told me that I could move into Mike Unis's vacant single on the 15th!!!!

For three days I have been in such an incredibly good mood, it's almost irritating. It just went to show me that I needed to be patient and not rush to conclusions. I'll get the things I want if I work for them or just wait!

Being home again/Reading List

The best way to describe my emotion about being home is "meh." Not necessarily bad, but certainly not exciting. I just realized that I only have 10 more nights of sleep in my bed at home, not really too long. I just want to be back in my bed at school in the worst way, yet that also means school starts again, boo. Whatever. I actually think that this semester will be great for me, I really turned around last block, if only it was that way first block. My grades could be so much better than they are, and they always could have been, even in high school. It really helps being around people that actually have a good work ethic, something I couldn't seem to find in high school. I got by pretty well somehow, being in the top 10% of the class. One of only six males to sit in the top row at graduation. I very often try and break things into subgroups just to make my accomplishments seem better in my own head, I guess I'm vain like that! I still wasn't proud of what I did because it wasn't even close to my best. I really hope to turn this around next semester. I'm especially excited for junior year, where I can finally be in a teaching element, something I feel I do very well and am actually proud of. I don't know, we'll see.

I finished "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" in only 2 sessions: the last hour on the train, and this morning. I'm pretty glad I did it this way because I'm pretty sure Charlie would have read it this way as well. Throughout the past several years I've realized how much of a role books have played in my life and how I view things. I think the most important have been every John Steinbeck novel I read in school: Of Mice and Men, Cannery Row, The Grapes of Wrath, The Pearl, East of Eden being my favorite. I really want to finish reading all of his works. He is such a great author, and always thought-provoking. My recent favorite was unexpected, "The Testament of Gideon Mack" by James Robertson. The author completely highlighted everything I ever believed and wove it into some of the most beautifully written prose I ever read. It seemed like poetry the entire time. "Perks" is the only other book that has done this to me, in two ways. I love dog-earring pages to mark significant moments or realizations I had while reading. This could either be the author pointing out something obvious, but putting it in a poetic and meaningful way. I also do it when I read a new idea or realize I have been wrong about something. It was cool to find that as I was dog-earring pages that Andy had already dog-earred, so obviously he got the same kind of response out of the passage. I think reading is so important because you can't really become an intellectual person if you don't taste the views the authors. If someone can write a 300 page novel, chances are they are intelligent, plus had a motivation to write about something profound. They obviously have great minds.

I think "Perks" had the most impact on me by pointing out how any moment can stay with you as long as you live. When Charlie has the moment of feeling infinite, I realized I have had a lot of these kinds of moments within the past few months and this last week especially----time slows down just for you, and your mind simplifies all your thoughts and emotions into one singlular feeling. And it's such a great feeling too.

Now I've just started reading "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac. I only into the first two chapters, and I feel like I need to re-read it already. For some reason, I couldn't keep my mind even halfway focused on what I was reading. I hate that, when I'm just looking at words as opposed to reading. I hope it's not just the book. My goal is to have it finished by the time I get back to school. Then it's yours Andy! I think I might pair it up with "Siddhartha" so I can actually finish it. I don't think I'll ever find the time to really finish a book when school starts up again. I also have "The Soloist," a book my brother bought me for Christmas. I can't remember the author, but it's about music in some fashion. I'll most likely enjoy it--kudos Kyle. It sure is nice to have a reading list again. Hopefully it will grow throughout the semester.

By the way, I've lost around 25lbs since I started the semester! I haven't really cut food out of my life or started exercising either. I guess I can attribute it to the fact that I watch what I eat and when I eat it. I never drink soda with meals, and I keep things as low fat and low sugar as possible. I also have tried keeping everything as natural as possible, the less ingredients on the label the better. I always count calories too. I compare foods to see which is healthier and always pick the healthier choice. There is something bizarre my body does though...I lose wieght like nothing, like a man usually does, but I gain weight like a women, not getting way with the slightest splurge of McDonald's or anything. A good this though is that I don't evenhave an appetite as much anymore. It's not like I had a weight problem, but I'm glad that I'm looking better, and as a result feeling better all around. For example: Today I was completely satisfied with tea, mac and cheese for dinner, two vanilla chai teas (mmmmmmmmmmmm) and a piece of angel food cake. I'm actually quite stuffed to be honest. I don't feel sick either, just in case any of you were worrying.

Anyhooooo, I hope this blog entry finds you in good spirits, and if not, cheer up you piece of shit!

Life and Death....

So, the biggest event of the day was, of course, my Grandma's funeral. I really don't know how or where to begin my comment on this, but I first should mention how I really love my family and my extended family. It just sucks that I only get to see them under these circumstances.

I went into the parlor an hour before the services began to set up the picture board and take care of the legalities. My aunt and uncle had just gotten there (my grandma's sister Becky) and Reverend Kennedy was there as well. Reverend Kennedy used to walk by my old house and he would always have a treat for my dog, just to show the kind of man he is. He teaches and FLCC and my mom had a psychology course with him. I'm so glad that he once the one doing the service, he did my grandpa's too.

In times like these, when I lose a loved one, I like to examine how that person touched other peoples lives besides mine, to what degree of a loss they were to other people. I saw her three best friends approach the board her pictures were on, and a sudden wash of understanding came over me: How short life is, but how long it really feels. There are pictures on the board from when she was a baby, child, high schooler, at her wedding, at my parents' wedding, and with my grandpa in her older years. It was even really cool to see the evolution of photography, from black and white to today. My grandma had experienced and seen so much over seventy years of life. I thought of the people she met, and the friendships she created. I loved seeing her friends and thinking of how they were once at the same stage of life I'm at, and this would have only been recorded in black and white photographs! So much time passes over a course of a lifetime, I still cannot comprehend how much we grow and experience. Althought I don't think I adequately described this feeling, I think you get the idea.

During the service, Mr. Kennedy often referred to my Grandma and Grandpa together, how my Grandpa left my Grandma lonely for 6 years, yet he was still her strength. In fact, where God would usually assume the role of protecter, he replaced him with my Grandfather, which was really comforting to percieve. My grandparents' combined ashes were placed on the table directly infront of me. I loved the beauty of it: they're closer than they have ever been, fused in eternal rest.

He also discussed the role of the mother, and what they mean to all of us. This is where my mom started to tear up pretty heavily, I soon followed. She had lost the person that introduced her to the world, her friend and guide. I hate to see a person lose somebody of such importance, especially my mom. I often looked to my mom and my aunt, to try and link into what they were feeling. I found myself tearing up for everyone else, not myself. If you were there, you would understand that such a huge part of everybody's lives was now missing, that people had finally taken the step to experience the death of a sister, friend, mother, niece, and grandmother.

It took to this part of the entry to finally tear up, so I think I let it come to a natural close. Nobody will be able to replace the place in my heart reserved for my grandmother. My life has been changed and guided by her presence, and I am truly thankful for that. I am also thankful for having such great friends that will take the time to let me talk about this. Where there could be a void, I'm filling that with my love for them. If it were not for you, It would have been such a painful ordeal, but you show me that there is so much happiness in joy in my life. I have grieved and will grieve when the time is right, but life will continue the same way my grandma's did---full of love.

I love you, Grandma. Thanks for being proud of me. I will always keep you with me.

Christmas 2008

Let's go throught the day:

Woke up and opened presents. This consisted of:

A printer
Speakers for my computer
Starbucks travel mug
book (The Soloist)
$100
Step Brothers
Fiddler on the Roof
Tazo Passion Tea
2 sweaters and a shirt from Banana Republic ( %70)
socks and underwear
Risk (funny enough)

Basically a really practical Christmas, which I liked.

The rest of the day consisted of watching Step Brothers, playing Risk, and just lounging around. Hopefully I'll be checking up on some dogs, making some easy ca$h. There really isn't a feast today, we had it yesterday and it was leftovers. My mom just doesn't want to prepare a whole Christmas dinner if only four of us are going to eat it, which is ok with me. She's been through enough the past couple weeks. Tomorrow we're kind of having a meal with my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins before my Grandma's service. I'm actually looking forward to getting that over and done with, and should be a good time for deep thought and reflection...

I hope everyone is having a great holiday, doing whatever you love to do on this day.

Adam

Christmas Eve

It's almost here. I can't believe it. Tonight my family should be going to my neighbors for a little party, and then it's here. Does anybody else find Christmas day somewhat depressing. It's like you wait over a month and get into the spirit, then it's all over. It really would be nice if there were 12 days. My parents are wrapping our presents as I right this, and I'm not even tempted to look; I like the surprise. Of course all I want for Christmas is to get to Long Island as soon as possible and texting....and I only get one. But if I had to pick, the choice would be obvious.

Texting is actually looking possible, despite the fact that my dad is highly opposed to it. I should be getting some money from my band director for watching her dogs while shes gone, and that amount could be a down lump payment to my dad. Their whole point why they aren't getting it for me is that if they did, I would have nothing to work for or pay off, which makes sense I guess. So, if I pay for it upfront, it must count for something. They also went on about how I act like I'm entitled to everything, that I hate where I come from, and don't appreciate what they do do for me. This is untrue. I've asked for texting because, let's be real, who doesn't have it these days besides the elderly. I don't hate where I come from, I just don't want to live like my parents. And importantly, I do love what they do for me, they are only supportive of everything I do and they couldn't be happier for me. All I want it is the ability to live in 2009, taking part in what has become basic and taken for granted by everybody I know.

I applied at at least 14 places sunday, and I probably will not hear back from any of them. I'm going to call them and just be persistent. I can't be without a job this summer, I took the summer off from drum corps just so I could have one. If none of these look up, I'm going to look into some music camps, which I'd almost rather do. It just doesn't seem fair when my dad points out all the kids that live at home and go the community college that have had steady jobs for a while. Of course they do, they have all the time in the world, which is all the matters to employers. It sucks when I know that I would be a good employee for anyone, but because I happen to go to a 4 year school, I'm suddenly not worthy of employment. I'm beyond worried that I won't find a job this summer because of this. A paycheck is the only formula to start cutting ties with my parents. I'm getting more annoyed than they are, and they're pretty annoyed I don't have a job. I'm sick of being poor.

Happy Holidays